On the Matters of Friendships and Signifieds

I had an argument two days ago with my best friend, and it made me think of de Saussure.

De Saussure has always been one of my favorite linguists (yes, I have a list of my favorite linguists. I’m weird – so what?), but I’ve never really thought of him outside the usual contexts in which one would think of de Saussure. You know… linguistics, philosophy, media, and such.

Specifically, I’m talking about linguistic signs, and their dual nature: the signifier, or the form, and the signified, the meaning we attach to it. In plain English, the thing you see or hear, and what it means to you.

But two days ago, I was sharing my recently discovered enthusiasm for the book The Art of Game Design by Jesse Schell with my best friend, and I was gloating about the fact that I just realized that I am, in fact, a game designer – precisely because of being a PREXcoach – and a damn good one.

My friend perceived this as my eternal pursuit of validation, and his conclusion finally pushed all the wrong buttons in my head.

He’s been feeding me “you are a glutton for approval” for years, and I almost started to believe it.

But here’s the thing. I don’t really need anyone’s approval, validation, or acceptance. I just like to be admired. Not even praised – admired, or simply being acknowledged for being great.

Yes, I’m shallow. Yes, I’m vain. But I am not a validation-seeker. I’m also human, so what? I have my flaws.

Maybe it’s because my mother never really appreciated the little genius in me – and I do have my moments of being a genius – so every time I did something extraordinary, she’d say, “That’s nice dear, but it’s not nice to stand out.” Because, to my mom, standing out is perceived as a flaw.

Though, you see, the issue here is not about the flaws. It’s about the misconception, or the misaligned signifieds, if you want to use technical terms.

To my friend, the form of “praising someone” translates to “she seeks validation.” To me, it’s just an ego booster. And just like in de Saussure’s model, the signifier – here, the act of praise – stays the same, but the signified shifts entirely depending on the interpreter. The praise makes all my little egotistic feathers flutter, but deep down, it makes no impact on how I feel about myself, or about my work, or my achievements, for that matter.

When someone admires what I did, or me, I like it because I feel they feel how I feel. Not because I feel what they feel. That’s a tiny detail that makes a world of difference.

Which brings me again back to de Saussure. And (self-)improvement.

Following advice or guidance from someone who has a completely different – or even opposite – set of signifieds (meanings, values, understandings) from you can, at best, be irrelevant, if not detrimental, to your growth.

My friend has been unknowingly undermining my confidence for years, and I have been unknowingly internalizing his views as mine. Luckily, I snapped out of it.

Imagine how many times this has happened to all of us, and we’ve been completely unaware of it.

Which is why, in PREXcoaching®, I insist so much on people working with what they’ve got to discover their own voice, their own style, or… their own signifieds – if you wish.

Because… if you’re not comfortable with your own voice, with your own style, and with your own signifieds, then using the same tools as everyone else can only make you a parrot, at best, but never a peacock. Or a hummingbird. Or you.

Be honest – how often do you take advice or feedback like a parrot, without checking whether you and the other person share the same signified – the same meaning – behind it?